These last few weeks have been intense. I am not handling this second lockdown as well as I handled the first. In the first lockdown, I felt like I didn't even notice it was going on. With a newborn, we didn't do much anyway. Mostly eating, sleeping when we could, occasionally going out for a walk. Not much was different it seemed. It was sunny and bright and warm but we were happy enough inside with the balcony door open and the sun streaming through the windows. We were in new wonderment at our gorgeous baby and trying to keep our head above the accompanying chaos. Even though we knew we were missing out on visits from family and friends, this didn't seem like such a loss. But this lockdown has been different. Even though technically it hasn't been as strict, it has seemed more confining, closer, more stifling. It's been more difficult to meet friends outdoors as sitting on the ground on picnic blankets isn't really an option when it's been raining for the previous 8hrs straight. Cold winds start chilling you pretty quickly when you sit on a park bench for more than 10min. And of course in November in London it starts getting dark at 4pm. People always think that Canada has colder, more severe winters, and even though that's true to a certain extent, most people don't realise that geographically Toronto is further south than Paris so at least the days aren't as short. It's hard to do anything with a baby when it's only light for a few hours after nap time.
And during this lockdown, my husband and I are desperate for just a little help. Just someone else to hold our baby for an hour, even half an hour. To have a break of some kind. My husband's parents are both high risk for Covid and have been effectively isolating all year. His sisters both have families of their own and are teachers so it's been hard to see them and also keep safe. I don't really know if our son even knows his grandparents and aunts. It's been really hard to get any of the help other people have said is so vital to your sanity and relationship in that first year. Weirdly the most help we had all year was when we were in Canada with my family. There, it seemed like we had all sorts of different people to hold the baby. To help out.
Last night I felt mad at Mom for dying. We've been going through another rough patch with the Bug's sleep and it was midnight and I was feeling disheartened and jaded. I felt mad at her for going and leaving us like this. Leaving us alone just when we started a family. How could you Mom? I feel abandoned even though I know she would have given anything not to have gone. There is something about the maternal bond and connection between a mother and her daughter when she becomes a mother. At least I think there is, I wanted there to be. I guess this feeling of anger shows how much I imagined she was going to be a part of our lives even though we lived so far away. We've been planning on moving back to Canada before the Bug starts school, and I guess I was already imagining leaving him with his grandparents for the weekend. Imagining Mom coming to our house, helping us out, cooking dinner, taking our son to the park, the zoo, the lake. Christmases, Birthdays, Easters, Halloweens, Valentines days; all of these occasions that she always marked with us, I assumed she would be there to mark with our son too. She was looking forward to us moving back to Canada. My dad of course is around, but truthfully, he won’t remember to send cards or gifts. He’s never had to do that kind of emotional labour in his life. I doubt he has the head space to start now. And would I leave our son with my dad for a weekend? Maybe...when he's older.
My middle sister also has a new baby. Her little girl and my son were born 10 days apart. They originally had the same due date. I like to call them cousin twins. I know that between us we can help fill some of the void Mom left in her grandchildren’s lives but it will never be the same. She and her family live out west outside of Calgary but are intending to move back to Ontario in the next 5 years. Hopefully we’ll be back living near each other again and our kids can grow up together. I know that she too hasn't had the help she was expecting. Maybe when we're closer we can take each other's kids for the weekend, watch them for an afternoon or an evening, take them to the park, the zoo, the lake. Let each other have a goddamn break. And we can be there in Mom's absence, to help out.
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