Screaming

No one tells you about the physicality of a baby screaming all his might into your body. Pouring his fury and pain into your being. All that upset energy being channeled into you; tiring you out, exhausting you to the core. It’s remarkable how physical it is. The night before last our son woke up screaming his lungs out every two hours. We still don’t know what was wrong. He seemed in pain, maybe teeth? We gave him Calpol but it didn’t work. Trapped wind? Maybe no more homemade baked beans for a while.

My husband and I take turns holding him, containing his upset from twisting out of our grasp, trying different methods to calm his little body. A prolonged shushing, whispered reassurance that everyone in his life loves him, that mommy and daddy will be there in the morning. That we will always be there no matter what.

I wish I could ask Mom if she felt the same way when we screamed our tiny beings into her. If she felt as physically exhausted and beaten up from our developmental fury in the small hours of the morning. I wish she could tell me what she did, what calmed us, how long this phase lasted. How old was I when my teeth came in? Does she remember or was it too long ago?

Last night he woke up frequently again. Although this time no screaming. At one point I resettle him and lay him back down in his crib, creep out, and pull the door closed, taking care to try and turn the handle all the way and pull the door fast so the latch doesn't pop. But it does and he cries out and I rush in, tired and despondent, picking him up and apologising profusely to him, hoping somehow he might understand. I can't believe I could have been so stupid and careless. He was almost asleep again! You idiot! How could you let the door pop like that?

I pass our son to my husband as I can feel myself getting increasingly wound up and inconsolable myself. I sit on our bed and scream all of my might and being into a pillow and start to cry.

Did you ever cry like this too, Mom? Screaming into pillows in the dark? You probably didn't. You were always much calmer - more even, patient. Even though you did sometimes lose your temper at me, I've always been more emotionally volatile. Still, I wish you could tell me, I'd like to know.